As the founder of the investigative blog, I feel it is my responsibility to investigate, address, and rebuke the hideous rumors brought against the writing center as of late, namely: that the writing center tutors do not, and have never, consumed food and/or water. I do not know where this rumor has started, but it has spread exponentially.
Tanya Peters, a freshman biology major, says, “Now that you mention it, I’ve never seen any of them eat or drink ever.”
Doug Perry, who wished to be quoted anonymously, says, “I heard that you can’t even work at the Writing Center if you have to eat or drink. I heard it helps the tutoring process. They scare me. Can I be quoted anonymously?”
Working here for three months, privately investigating my peers, I can finally state, without a doubt, that I’m seventy percent sure that the students working in the writing center eat and drink, and that they will manage to live normal and healthy lives. The proof will be documented here, to stop all rumors to the contrary.
Exhibit A: A for Amanda.
Sure, she only eats bananas, but she does eat something, doesn’t she? And its breakfast, lunch, and dinner, thank you very much, perfectly normal. And she eats the entire thing, “to get the benefits of the other food groups, duh,” she says.
Warning: DO NOT TRY TO TAKE HER BANANA
Exhibit B: Jerica.
Jerica cannot refuse a stick of cheese. When asked if she even likes cheese, she said, “eh, it’s okay,” and then I gave her three sticks of cheese and SHE ATE ALL THREE STICKS OF CHEESE. Bring one to the writing center and see what happens!
Exhibit C: Jane Doe: We will not name this poor girl to protect her identity.
She can only do things while eating apples. Here we see her texting. There are other times when she needs to eat apples so she can walk. When asked why this is so, she said, “mma mfphha mmoott fffrrff,” probably ‘cause she was eating an apple. Surprisingly, she is one of our best tutors. SHE EATS, YOU LIARS.
Exhibit D: The Variable
Every study has a variable. THIS IS THE VARIABLE. He drinks and eats pen ink. DO NOT LET HIM TUTOR YOU. HE WILL STEAL YOUR PEN AND EAT OR DRINK IT. His favorites are Papermate, Bic, and when he feels like he deserves it, Uniball.
I think this is a good starting point in stomping out these awful rumors. I will continue with this story, in hopes that normalcy can once again take the place of fear. You're welcome.
Until next time - HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!
