Tall People Have to Poop too!

Actual Toilet in Actual Roosevelt Bathroom

Pooping is just the worst thing.  No one likes doing it.  "It is the worst thing," Tom Meadows, a student at Roosevelt University tells me.  "Sometimes there is pee on the seat or the person before me hasn't flushed.  I hate pooping.  It is the worst.  Especially at Roosevelt University."  

Why is Roosevelt University the worst place to poop?  

Because Roosevelt University has bathroom stalls that tall people cannot fit in.  

That's why.  

So, I have to ask: Don't Tall People Have to Poop too?  

Meet Jordan Peters: 

Jordan Peters: Tragic Hero

He's a Philosophy major at Roosevelt University, a kind young man, and, at 6'3, is terrified of using the bathroom.  "I can barely fit in the stall," he tells me, almost in tears.  "And when I'm carrying a bag or a coffee?  Forget about it.  I mind as well poop on the floor."

Doug Delany: Victim

Or how about Doug Delany?  He's so tall that he won't even consider pooping.  "I've given up on pooping," he says, while helping a student at the writing center.  "I just hold it and am miserable all day.  Why does God make us poop?  It smells bad.  I hate it.  You forgot the comma here."

You might not understood because you are short.  You are one of the lucky ones.  To give life to this story, I followed Jordan to reenact his terrible story.

NO LEG ROOM

As you can see here, there is barely enough room for Jordan to stand comfortably inside the stall.  Notice the close proximity to the toilet his legs already are.  Where would he set his bag?  His coffee?  How would he take off his jacket in a stall like this?

Poop Rage

Because of these problems, inevitably, comes the rage.  Poop rage.  "I just want to smash the world," he tells me.  "Not only do I have to poop, but I have to prepare the pooping process, which takes forever."

What is the pooping process?  Or, as some call it, pre-pooping?

First, one must take off their jacket because they don't want to accidentally poop on their jacket.  "I did once," Jordan tells me.  Then you have to find a place to set down a drink or bag.  This is hard anywhere you go, but at Roosevelt, it's nearly impossible.  If you're lucky and get passed that, you have to look at the toilet seat.  Is there pee on the toilet seat?  Are there signs of poop?  There will be.  Do not trust your eyes.  Clean the toilet seat to rid it of the pee and poop.

This may take upwards to ten minutes at a regular bathroom.  At Roosevelt University, the numbers can double, triple.

Says Jordan, "Sometimes I'll be with friends and I have to poop.  I tell them that I'll meet them somewhere, but they don't understand and they wait for me.  With the pre-pooping and with the actual pooping, doubled at Roosevelt, and then the minutes you have to add in to accommodate if you eat at say, a Chipotle, and then the five minutes you have to add in for the shame, we're talking upwards to half an hour.  By the time I get out, my friends don't say anything about it.  But we all know what I was doing."

Shame

After watching Jordan struggle and break down into tears, we must ask ourselves what we are doing to help the tall people that have to poop at Roosevelt University.  Pooping is terrible, we all know this.  But we must also know now, with this investigative report, that pooping is that much worse for tall people.

So, the next tall person you see, I want you to look at them.  Imagine what they have to go through when they have to poop.  Imagine Jordan crying when he is pre-pooping and the shame he experiences after he has pooped.  Then, put your hand on that tall person's shoulder and say, "I'm sorry." They will know what you're talking about.  It's the least you can do.

...Until next time...Have a Great Chicago.