Special Report: How Come Girls In Chicago Won't Go Out With Me?

One of my New Years Resolutions was to date again.  Easy, right?  Not only do I have an attractive face, build, and personality, and not only am I the founder of the Investigative Blog, but I will do absolutely everything and anything for the gal I'm with - change professions, my personality, and even my friends!  And still I am single!

How Can You Keep Saying No To This Face?!

I do everything right with these Chicago Girls!

I smile at random Chicago Girls on the subway!

I friend Chicago Girls I've never met on Facebook, then comment on their photos (Example: Nice bikini pic!  Go to the beach with me in that bikini!  I love you)!  Girls love that shit!

I talk to Chicago Girls at bars.  I say, "Can I buy you a drink?"

They say, "Sure."

I buy them a drink.  Then I say, "Will you be my girlfriend?"  And they always say no!

I even ignore really pretty Chicago Girls, pretend that they're mud below my feet, to play hard to get!  And I never get them!

Something is definitely wrong with these Chicago Girls.

Chicago Girls at Panera (Actual Picture)

At Panera, I asked some Chicago Girls what was wrong with them.  One of them said, "What do you mean what's wrong with us?" She acted like I was the crazy one!

I said, "How come you Chicago Girls won't go out with me?"

Another said, "We don't know you."

I said, "My name is Tim."  Then I waited thirty seconds, and said, "Will you be my girlfriend?" to all of them, hell, I'm not picky at this point.

They shook their heads, no!

After five tries with similar results, I delved deeper into the question.  I asked my friend, Tovah, who happens to be a Chicago Girl herself, why Chicago Girls won't go out with me.

My Friend, Tovah (Artist's Interpretation) 

She said, "I thought you were gay."

My other Chicago Girl friend, Heather, agreed with Tovah.  "Are you sure you're not gay?" she asked.

I told them to find me a Chicago Girlfriend.  I said, "I will do anything.  I won't disagree with anything they say or do anything to get them mad.  I'll just sit there, if they want.  Or not!  They won't even know I'm there.  I won't be there if they don't want me there.  I just want someone funny!  Or not funny, whatever.  Don't tell them I said that."

And they just looked at me!  What did I expect?  They're Chicago Girls.  And Chicago Girls are fucking nuts.

Until next time, HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!