Overseas Report: How Come Girls In London Won't Go Out With Me?

How Can You Keep Saying No To This Face, London?

One of my main goals in London was to fall in love and date a London girl while in London and then maybe stay in London and get married. Easy right? There's my attractive face, build, and personality, and I got this Investigative Blog that's a pretty big deal! Also: I will do anything, anything at all, for the gal I am with - I will even fake a London accent so a London girl will be more at ease - and still, STILL I am single!


I do everything right with these London Girls!

I smile at random London Girls on the tube!

I interrupt London girls on the street in the middle of their conversations, and I say, "Hi, London Girl, how are you today? You are beautiful today. Can I have your email?"

I talk to London Girls at bars. I say, "Can I buy you a drink?"

They say, "Sure."

I buy them a drink. Then I say, "Will you be my girlfriend?" And they always say no!

I even ignore really pretty London Girls, pretend that they're mud below my feet, to play hard to get!  And I never get them!

Something is definitely wrong with these London Girls. 

London Girls at Weatherspoons (Actual London Girls Pictured)

At Weatherspoons, I asked some London Girls what was wrong with them. One of them said, "What do you mean what's wrong with us, mate?" She acted like I was the crazy one!

I said, "How come you London Girls won't go out with me, eh?"

Another said, "We don't even know you, chap."

I said, "My name is Tim."  Then I waited thirty seconds, and said, "Will you be my girlfriend?" to all of them, hell, I'm not picky at this point.

They shook their heads, no!

After five tries with similar results, I delved deeper into the question. I asked my friend, Ukaisha, who happens to be in London, but not a London Girl herself, why London Girls won't go out with me. 

My Friend, Ukaisha (Artist's Interpretation)

She said, "I thought you were gay."

My other friend in London but not a London Girl friend, Heather, agreed with Ukaisha. "Are you sure you're not gay?" she asked.

I told them to find me a London Girlfriend. I said, "I will do anything. I won't disagree with anything they say or do anything to get them mad. I'll even start talking weird like they do. I'll use kilometers. I'll convert all of my money into pounds. I will stay in London forever. They won't even know I'm there. I won't be there if they don't want me there. I just want someone funny! Or not funny, whatever. Don't tell them I said that."

And they just looked at me! What did I expect? They're what I like to call Chicago Girls. And Chicago Girls and London Girls are fucking nuts!

Until next time, HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!

Special Report: How Come Girls In Chicago Won't Go Out With Me?

One of my New Years Resolutions was to date again.  Easy, right?  Not only do I have an attractive face, build, and personality, and not only am I the founder of the Investigative Blog, but I will do absolutely everything and anything for the gal I'm with - change professions, my personality, and even my friends!  And still I am single!

How Can You Keep Saying No To This Face?!

I do everything right with these Chicago Girls!

I smile at random Chicago Girls on the subway!

I friend Chicago Girls I've never met on Facebook, then comment on their photos (Example: Nice bikini pic!  Go to the beach with me in that bikini!  I love you)!  Girls love that shit!

I talk to Chicago Girls at bars.  I say, "Can I buy you a drink?"

They say, "Sure."

I buy them a drink.  Then I say, "Will you be my girlfriend?"  And they always say no!

I even ignore really pretty Chicago Girls, pretend that they're mud below my feet, to play hard to get!  And I never get them!

Something is definitely wrong with these Chicago Girls.

Chicago Girls at Panera (Actual Picture)

At Panera, I asked some Chicago Girls what was wrong with them.  One of them said, "What do you mean what's wrong with us?" She acted like I was the crazy one!

I said, "How come you Chicago Girls won't go out with me?"

Another said, "We don't know you."

I said, "My name is Tim."  Then I waited thirty seconds, and said, "Will you be my girlfriend?" to all of them, hell, I'm not picky at this point.

They shook their heads, no!

After five tries with similar results, I delved deeper into the question.  I asked my friend, Tovah, who happens to be a Chicago Girl herself, why Chicago Girls won't go out with me.

My Friend, Tovah (Artist's Interpretation) 

She said, "I thought you were gay."

My other Chicago Girl friend, Heather, agreed with Tovah.  "Are you sure you're not gay?" she asked.

I told them to find me a Chicago Girlfriend.  I said, "I will do anything.  I won't disagree with anything they say or do anything to get them mad.  I'll just sit there, if they want.  Or not!  They won't even know I'm there.  I won't be there if they don't want me there.  I just want someone funny!  Or not funny, whatever.  Don't tell them I said that."

And they just looked at me!  What did I expect?  They're Chicago Girls.  And Chicago Girls are fucking nuts.

Until next time, HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!

Concerning the Vicious Rumors Surrounding the Writing Center and its’ Wonderful Peoples

As the founder of the investigative blog, I feel it is my responsibility to investigate, address, and rebuke the hideous rumors brought against the writing center as of late, namely: that the writing center tutors do not, and have never, consumed food and/or water.  I do not know where this rumor has started, but it has spread exponentially. 

Tanya Peters, a freshman biology major, says, “Now that you mention it, I’ve never seen any of them eat or drink ever.” 

                

Doug Perry, who wished to be quoted anonymously, says, “I heard that you can’t even work at the Writing Center if you have to eat or drink.  I heard it helps the tutoring process.  They scare me.  Can I be quoted anonymously?” 

Working here for three months, privately investigating my peers, I can finally state, without a doubt, that I’m seventy percent sure that the students working in the writing center eat and drink, and that they will manage to live normal and healthy lives.  The proof will be documented here, to stop all rumors to the contrary.  

Exhibit A: A for Amanda. 

Sure, she only eats bananas, but she does eat something, doesn’t she?  And its breakfast, lunch, and dinner, thank you very much, perfectly normal.  And she eats the entire thing, “to get the benefits of the other food groups, duh,” she says.

Warning: DO NOT TRY TO TAKE HER BANANA

Exhibit B: Jerica.  

Jerica cannot refuse a stick of cheese.  When asked if she even likes cheese, she said, “eh, it’s okay,” and then I gave her three sticks of cheese and SHE ATE ALL THREE STICKS OF CHEESE.  Bring one to the writing center and see what happens! 

Exhibit C: Jane Doe: We will not name this poor girl to protect her identity. 

She can only do things while eating apples.  Here we see her texting.  There are other times when she needs to eat apples so she can walk.  When asked why this is so, she said, “mma mfphha mmoott fffrrff,” probably ‘cause she was eating an apple.  Surprisingly, she is one of our best tutors.  SHE EATS, YOU LIARS. 

Exhibit D: The Variable

Every study has a variable.  THIS IS THE VARIABLE.  He drinks and eats pen ink.  DO NOT LET HIM TUTOR YOU.  HE WILL STEAL YOUR PEN AND EAT OR DRINK IT.  His favorites are Papermate, Bic, and when he feels like he deserves it, Uniball.  

I think this is a good starting point in stomping out these awful rumors.  I will continue with this story, in hopes that normalcy can once again take the place of fear.  You're welcome.  

Until next time - HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!  

Local Eats: PANERA BREAD!

If you ever come by Chicago, you have to check out a little place called PANERA. It's on Congress and State street. Right by the dorm rooms. What a find!

A good barometer to tell if something is good is if teenagers like it. Since I'm living by a lot of teenagers, this has been easier for me.

Madeline Richards, 17, says, "OMG, I freaking love this place. I, like, come here all the freaking time. Love. It."

"You come to Chicago thinking that you won't find a place to eat. And then there's Panera and you eat there," said Randy Peters, of Detroit.

Finding good Chicago dining is hard because Chicago is big and when you're new, people you don't know are scary. So finding a local establishment, like Panera, really tells you what Chicago is about.

"When I come home for Thanksgiving, and my parents ask me about Chicago, all I'll have to describe to them is Panera," said Jolie Adams, as she twittered on her laptop, 'AT PANERA!"

That's the great thing about Panera, you can eat their wide variety of breads, salads, sandwiches, or even get a hot panini (which I highly recommend), all while doing homework or Facebooking a friend. They even have four selections of coffee sitting for you, which you can refill yourself, ALL DAY!

"I don't even see a reason to leave," said Saul Sanders, 18, from Portland, Oregon. "I will never leave," he repeated, twice.

Not only is the food delish, CHICAGO STYLE, and the coffee very reasonably priced (try the hazel nut, GOODNESS!), the workers bring character and pure Chicagoness to the setting. A worker there, we'll call her Jhannon, to protect her identity, said, "Hi, welcome to Panera, would you like to try the soup of the day?"

She had cute, elvish features and blonde hair, like a Chicagian. She kept asking what I wanted to eat, like for three days in a row, which makes me think she likes me. I'm just saying.

ANYWAY, I highly recommend anyone and everyone, if ever you come by Chicago, to try out Panera Bread, on Congress and State Streets. And if you see John Panera, or whatever the hell the owner's name is, tell him Tim sent you! Until next time, Have a Great Chicago!

Through The Looking Glass!

I saw a wonderful play at Looking Glass Theatre called, appropriately enough, "Through The Looking Glass". It was the first play I've seen in Chicago, based off of the classic book. The amazing part was how they brought it to life while staying true to the story - using acrobatics, audience interaction, and improvisation. IT WAS AMAZING. And very appropriate.

In Through the Looking Glass, Alice falls into Wonderland, through, well, a looking glass. The world is strange and different as are the characters she meets. THAT'S ME NOW.

Chicago is a strange city - it's like Philly in some ways but not like Philly in most ways. I've spent the last week investigating this city - and that's what I'm going to continue to do. For your betterment. For America's betterment.

I lost my train of thought. All of this patriotism is getting me tired. Until next time, Have a Great Chicago!