Breaking News: Chicago Gripped by Ennui

Chicago is lame, lately

There are not many things people in the Second City can agree on, except that Chicago has been totally lame lately.

"Second City?  More like Last City," Teddy Sanders, a policeman of twenty years, states.  "These last two months have been the worst.  I'm so bored.  Bored, bored, bored."

He echoes the sentiments of many in this city, gripped by absolute ennui. 

Just a glass bean

"The Bean?  Boring!" Sanders says.  "I used to walk by it everyday with pride.  But now I see that it's just a fucking glass bean.  Don't even get me started on Chicago style pizza."

Just water shooting in the air

Mary Robinson, a Roosevelt University English major, has similar feelings, except with Buckingham Fountain.  "It was cool for like a month.  But then I realized that it's just water shooting in the air.  I could do that with my shower head.  Come on, Chicago."

Still, Mary thinks the problem stretches beyond the two sites.

Mary Robinson: BORED

She thinks it's because people are lame lately.  She attributes the lameness to her friends and to her family, who refuse to have fun.  "They are the sole reason that everything has been so lame.  If they were not so lame, I would have fun.  But they are.  That is why I am bored."

Some people believe that the problem it is tied to the weather.  Sarah Todd, weather expert, is one of these people.  

Sarah Todd: Weather Expert

"Outside today it was cold, so I bundled up.  Then when I got inside, it was too warm.  I'm either freezing or burning up.  Life is impossible," she says.  

She believes that this insurmountable problem has frustrated people to exhaustion.  She has started a study to confirm this, but has been too tired to complete it.  

"I'll do it tomorrow," she yawns.  

Surprisingly, not everyone is upset about the lack of things to do in the city.  

Duke Sully thinks it's wonderful.  

Artist Interpretation of Hater of Fun

"I hate fun!" he says, eating potato salad from a jar while watching CSI Miami, Season 2.  "For years now, fun people have taken over this city and had fun with it.  But not anymore." He stares dispassionately as David Caruso makes his entrance.  "The lame people are going to run things now.  It will be boring and awful.  I can't wait!" 

City Officials have urged residents to have vigilance in their search for fun.  "So, yeah, the Bean is just a glass bean and Buckingham Fountain is just water shooting in the air," an anonymous official tells me.  We're in an alley way so no one can see us meeting.  It's fucking cold and lame out and we're miserable.  I just want to go home and stare at the wall and scream into my pillow.  

"There's got to be like a dozen more things to do in the city," he says, unconvincingly.  "You could...um," and then he just stares at me for five minutes.  Then he says, "Buckingham Fountain isn't even shooting water right now.  It's waterless.  Come see the waterless fountain.  It's fucking awesome.  Right?  Right?"  

Chicago waits for the fun to return, patiently.  As your trusted investigative blogger, I will be the first one to report it's sighting.  But until then...Have a Great Chicago!