Investigative Editorial: If These Birds Keep It Up, I Am Going To Flip A Sh*t!

Man's True Enemy

Chicago Birds are the worst birds. They have pooped on me three times since I've been here. If it happens again, I swear to God, I will flip a sh*t.

"It's disgusting," my friend, Sandra Rice, told me, after I showed her the poop dribbling from my right arm. Did you know most bird poop looks clear and gooey, like syrup? I know this, because I've been pooped on three times. Three times in my life. Three times right here in Chicago. "What are you going to do?" she asked me.

Oh, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

Next time it happens, I will get furious. I will stomp my feet, and be like, 'you mother f*cking bird!' and then I'll be like, 'you just pooped on me, right on my arm, you stupid jerk!' and I'll wring my hands in the air and totally, unpredictably, flip the freaking hell out of a sh*t, if you know what I'm saying.

I will flip a sh*t on this bird, if it crosses me!

The bird won't know what to do with itself, with me being all crazy and sh*t. It will back the f*ck off and be like, 'I'm sorry, dude, I didn't mean to poop on you,' and I'll be like, 'then watch where you're pooping next time you stupid dummy face!' and it will feel stupid and maybe it'll even cry, I don't know what birds do in these situations. I don't know. Yet.

And what if it happens again? You might ask. Sandra asked. And I told her that I have some friends. Oh birds, you f*cking f*cked with the wrong guy, oh, yes, you did, I have some friends in high places.

Lawyers, Politicians, and Such

Like f*cking lawyers and politicians and sh*t - you don't even know who you f*cked with, you f*cking a*s birds. And I will ask them real nice to make a law against birds, all birds.  Yup, their days will be numbered, No More Birds, they'll say, after talking to the Judge, and he'll be like, 'f*ck yeah, I agree with that sh*t, no more mother f*cking birds,' and like that it will be law!

The birds pictured here will be extinct if
they keep at their bullsh*t

You getting me, birds? You understand? I will end your species if you keep pooping on me. And why always the right arm? And why when I'm far away from a bathroom?

One time you pooped on me before I got on a train. I had poop on my arm for forty minutes on the train, looking stupid. You'd think I'd forget that? And then you poop on me this weekend? On the first nice day in months? What the f*ck is that sh*t? You think I wouldn't do anything about it? You think I'll just let you keep doing it?

Sandra doesn't think so, now. Sandra was like, "man, you gotta wash that sh*t off," so we found a Starbucks and I showed people and they were disgusted, and were like, 'man, that is so freaking gross,' and I was like, 'I know right?' and they were like, 'you gotta do something about that'.

Oh, I'll do something about it. You'll see.

Until next time...Have a Great Chicago!