Concerning the Vicious Rumors Surrounding the Writing Center and its’ Wonderful Peoples

As the founder of the investigative blog, I feel it is my responsibility to investigate, address, and rebuke the hideous rumors brought against the writing center as of late, namely: that the writing center tutors do not, and have never, consumed food and/or water.  I do not know where this rumor has started, but it has spread exponentially. 

Tanya Peters, a freshman biology major, says, “Now that you mention it, I’ve never seen any of them eat or drink ever.” 

                

Doug Perry, who wished to be quoted anonymously, says, “I heard that you can’t even work at the Writing Center if you have to eat or drink.  I heard it helps the tutoring process.  They scare me.  Can I be quoted anonymously?” 

Working here for three months, privately investigating my peers, I can finally state, without a doubt, that I’m seventy percent sure that the students working in the writing center eat and drink, and that they will manage to live normal and healthy lives.  The proof will be documented here, to stop all rumors to the contrary.  

Exhibit A: A for Amanda. 

Sure, she only eats bananas, but she does eat something, doesn’t she?  And its breakfast, lunch, and dinner, thank you very much, perfectly normal.  And she eats the entire thing, “to get the benefits of the other food groups, duh,” she says.

Warning: DO NOT TRY TO TAKE HER BANANA

Exhibit B: Jerica.  

Jerica cannot refuse a stick of cheese.  When asked if she even likes cheese, she said, “eh, it’s okay,” and then I gave her three sticks of cheese and SHE ATE ALL THREE STICKS OF CHEESE.  Bring one to the writing center and see what happens! 

Exhibit C: Jane Doe: We will not name this poor girl to protect her identity. 

She can only do things while eating apples.  Here we see her texting.  There are other times when she needs to eat apples so she can walk.  When asked why this is so, she said, “mma mfphha mmoott fffrrff,” probably ‘cause she was eating an apple.  Surprisingly, she is one of our best tutors.  SHE EATS, YOU LIARS. 

Exhibit D: The Variable

Every study has a variable.  THIS IS THE VARIABLE.  He drinks and eats pen ink.  DO NOT LET HIM TUTOR YOU.  HE WILL STEAL YOUR PEN AND EAT OR DRINK IT.  His favorites are Papermate, Bic, and when he feels like he deserves it, Uniball.  

I think this is a good starting point in stomping out these awful rumors.  I will continue with this story, in hopes that normalcy can once again take the place of fear.  You're welcome.  

Until next time - HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!  

Black Squirrels Can Probably Kill You, Probably

As your trusted investigative blogger, you may believe that there is no line I will not cross to get to THE TRUTH. And, I admit, this was the case for about two blogs, and then I saw this fucking thing. A BLACK FUCKING SQUIRREL.

You are lucky I got this close to it, because the eyes really were glowing and it was black and it was scary. And yet, here it was, in the park.

AND NO ONE SEEMED TO CARE.

Is this a new breed of super squirrel? Will these darker, slimmer squirrels be able to sneak into your homes and kidnap your children? Probably, I don't know. Who knows what they're capable of?

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND FIND OUT.
YOU WIN DEMON SQUIRRELS. I will not investigate you. I will not pursue THE TRUTH.

....until next time, HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!

Local Eats: PANERA BREAD!

If you ever come by Chicago, you have to check out a little place called PANERA. It's on Congress and State street. Right by the dorm rooms. What a find!

A good barometer to tell if something is good is if teenagers like it. Since I'm living by a lot of teenagers, this has been easier for me.

Madeline Richards, 17, says, "OMG, I freaking love this place. I, like, come here all the freaking time. Love. It."

"You come to Chicago thinking that you won't find a place to eat. And then there's Panera and you eat there," said Randy Peters, of Detroit.

Finding good Chicago dining is hard because Chicago is big and when you're new, people you don't know are scary. So finding a local establishment, like Panera, really tells you what Chicago is about.

"When I come home for Thanksgiving, and my parents ask me about Chicago, all I'll have to describe to them is Panera," said Jolie Adams, as she twittered on her laptop, 'AT PANERA!"

That's the great thing about Panera, you can eat their wide variety of breads, salads, sandwiches, or even get a hot panini (which I highly recommend), all while doing homework or Facebooking a friend. They even have four selections of coffee sitting for you, which you can refill yourself, ALL DAY!

"I don't even see a reason to leave," said Saul Sanders, 18, from Portland, Oregon. "I will never leave," he repeated, twice.

Not only is the food delish, CHICAGO STYLE, and the coffee very reasonably priced (try the hazel nut, GOODNESS!), the workers bring character and pure Chicagoness to the setting. A worker there, we'll call her Jhannon, to protect her identity, said, "Hi, welcome to Panera, would you like to try the soup of the day?"

She had cute, elvish features and blonde hair, like a Chicagian. She kept asking what I wanted to eat, like for three days in a row, which makes me think she likes me. I'm just saying.

ANYWAY, I highly recommend anyone and everyone, if ever you come by Chicago, to try out Panera Bread, on Congress and State Streets. And if you see John Panera, or whatever the hell the owner's name is, tell him Tim sent you! Until next time, Have a Great Chicago!

Through The Looking Glass!

I saw a wonderful play at Looking Glass Theatre called, appropriately enough, "Through The Looking Glass". It was the first play I've seen in Chicago, based off of the classic book. The amazing part was how they brought it to life while staying true to the story - using acrobatics, audience interaction, and improvisation. IT WAS AMAZING. And very appropriate.

In Through the Looking Glass, Alice falls into Wonderland, through, well, a looking glass. The world is strange and different as are the characters she meets. THAT'S ME NOW.

Chicago is a strange city - it's like Philly in some ways but not like Philly in most ways. I've spent the last week investigating this city - and that's what I'm going to continue to do. For your betterment. For America's betterment.

I lost my train of thought. All of this patriotism is getting me tired. Until next time, Have a Great Chicago!