Investigative Editorial: If These Birds Keep It Up, I Am Going To Flip A Sh*t!

Man's True Enemy

Chicago Birds are the worst birds. They have pooped on me three times since I've been here. If it happens again, I swear to God, I will flip a sh*t.

"It's disgusting," my friend, Sandra Rice, told me, after I showed her the poop dribbling from my right arm. Did you know most bird poop looks clear and gooey, like syrup? I know this, because I've been pooped on three times. Three times in my life. Three times right here in Chicago. "What are you going to do?" she asked me.

Oh, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

Next time it happens, I will get furious. I will stomp my feet, and be like, 'you mother f*cking bird!' and then I'll be like, 'you just pooped on me, right on my arm, you stupid jerk!' and I'll wring my hands in the air and totally, unpredictably, flip the freaking hell out of a sh*t, if you know what I'm saying.

I will flip a sh*t on this bird, if it crosses me!

The bird won't know what to do with itself, with me being all crazy and sh*t. It will back the f*ck off and be like, 'I'm sorry, dude, I didn't mean to poop on you,' and I'll be like, 'then watch where you're pooping next time you stupid dummy face!' and it will feel stupid and maybe it'll even cry, I don't know what birds do in these situations. I don't know. Yet.

And what if it happens again? You might ask. Sandra asked. And I told her that I have some friends. Oh birds, you f*cking f*cked with the wrong guy, oh, yes, you did, I have some friends in high places.

Lawyers, Politicians, and Such

Like f*cking lawyers and politicians and sh*t - you don't even know who you f*cked with, you f*cking a*s birds. And I will ask them real nice to make a law against birds, all birds.  Yup, their days will be numbered, No More Birds, they'll say, after talking to the Judge, and he'll be like, 'f*ck yeah, I agree with that sh*t, no more mother f*cking birds,' and like that it will be law!

The birds pictured here will be extinct if
they keep at their bullsh*t

You getting me, birds? You understand? I will end your species if you keep pooping on me. And why always the right arm? And why when I'm far away from a bathroom?

One time you pooped on me before I got on a train. I had poop on my arm for forty minutes on the train, looking stupid. You'd think I'd forget that? And then you poop on me this weekend? On the first nice day in months? What the f*ck is that sh*t? You think I wouldn't do anything about it? You think I'll just let you keep doing it?

Sandra doesn't think so, now. Sandra was like, "man, you gotta wash that sh*t off," so we found a Starbucks and I showed people and they were disgusted, and were like, 'man, that is so freaking gross,' and I was like, 'I know right?' and they were like, 'you gotta do something about that'.

Oh, I'll do something about it. You'll see.

Until next time...Have a Great Chicago!

Breaking News: Chicago Gripped by Ennui

Chicago is lame, lately

There are not many things people in the Second City can agree on, except that Chicago has been totally lame lately.

"Second City?  More like Last City," Teddy Sanders, a policeman of twenty years, states.  "These last two months have been the worst.  I'm so bored.  Bored, bored, bored."

He echoes the sentiments of many in this city, gripped by absolute ennui. 

Just a glass bean

"The Bean?  Boring!" Sanders says.  "I used to walk by it everyday with pride.  But now I see that it's just a fucking glass bean.  Don't even get me started on Chicago style pizza."

Just water shooting in the air

Mary Robinson, a Roosevelt University English major, has similar feelings, except with Buckingham Fountain.  "It was cool for like a month.  But then I realized that it's just water shooting in the air.  I could do that with my shower head.  Come on, Chicago."

Still, Mary thinks the problem stretches beyond the two sites.

Mary Robinson: BORED

She thinks it's because people are lame lately.  She attributes the lameness to her friends and to her family, who refuse to have fun.  "They are the sole reason that everything has been so lame.  If they were not so lame, I would have fun.  But they are.  That is why I am bored."

Some people believe that the problem it is tied to the weather.  Sarah Todd, weather expert, is one of these people.  

Sarah Todd: Weather Expert

"Outside today it was cold, so I bundled up.  Then when I got inside, it was too warm.  I'm either freezing or burning up.  Life is impossible," she says.  

She believes that this insurmountable problem has frustrated people to exhaustion.  She has started a study to confirm this, but has been too tired to complete it.  

"I'll do it tomorrow," she yawns.  

Surprisingly, not everyone is upset about the lack of things to do in the city.  

Duke Sully thinks it's wonderful.  

Artist Interpretation of Hater of Fun

"I hate fun!" he says, eating potato salad from a jar while watching CSI Miami, Season 2.  "For years now, fun people have taken over this city and had fun with it.  But not anymore." He stares dispassionately as David Caruso makes his entrance.  "The lame people are going to run things now.  It will be boring and awful.  I can't wait!" 

City Officials have urged residents to have vigilance in their search for fun.  "So, yeah, the Bean is just a glass bean and Buckingham Fountain is just water shooting in the air," an anonymous official tells me.  We're in an alley way so no one can see us meeting.  It's fucking cold and lame out and we're miserable.  I just want to go home and stare at the wall and scream into my pillow.  

"There's got to be like a dozen more things to do in the city," he says, unconvincingly.  "You could...um," and then he just stares at me for five minutes.  Then he says, "Buckingham Fountain isn't even shooting water right now.  It's waterless.  Come see the waterless fountain.  It's fucking awesome.  Right?  Right?"  

Chicago waits for the fun to return, patiently.  As your trusted investigative blogger, I will be the first one to report it's sighting.  But until then...Have a Great Chicago! 

Tall People Have to Poop too!

Actual Toilet in Actual Roosevelt Bathroom

Pooping is just the worst thing.  No one likes doing it.  "It is the worst thing," Tom Meadows, a student at Roosevelt University tells me.  "Sometimes there is pee on the seat or the person before me hasn't flushed.  I hate pooping.  It is the worst.  Especially at Roosevelt University."  

Why is Roosevelt University the worst place to poop?  

Because Roosevelt University has bathroom stalls that tall people cannot fit in.  

That's why.  

So, I have to ask: Don't Tall People Have to Poop too?  

Meet Jordan Peters: 

Jordan Peters: Tragic Hero

He's a Philosophy major at Roosevelt University, a kind young man, and, at 6'3, is terrified of using the bathroom.  "I can barely fit in the stall," he tells me, almost in tears.  "And when I'm carrying a bag or a coffee?  Forget about it.  I mind as well poop on the floor."

Doug Delany: Victim

Or how about Doug Delany?  He's so tall that he won't even consider pooping.  "I've given up on pooping," he says, while helping a student at the writing center.  "I just hold it and am miserable all day.  Why does God make us poop?  It smells bad.  I hate it.  You forgot the comma here."

You might not understood because you are short.  You are one of the lucky ones.  To give life to this story, I followed Jordan to reenact his terrible story.

NO LEG ROOM

As you can see here, there is barely enough room for Jordan to stand comfortably inside the stall.  Notice the close proximity to the toilet his legs already are.  Where would he set his bag?  His coffee?  How would he take off his jacket in a stall like this?

Poop Rage

Because of these problems, inevitably, comes the rage.  Poop rage.  "I just want to smash the world," he tells me.  "Not only do I have to poop, but I have to prepare the pooping process, which takes forever."

What is the pooping process?  Or, as some call it, pre-pooping?

First, one must take off their jacket because they don't want to accidentally poop on their jacket.  "I did once," Jordan tells me.  Then you have to find a place to set down a drink or bag.  This is hard anywhere you go, but at Roosevelt, it's nearly impossible.  If you're lucky and get passed that, you have to look at the toilet seat.  Is there pee on the toilet seat?  Are there signs of poop?  There will be.  Do not trust your eyes.  Clean the toilet seat to rid it of the pee and poop.

This may take upwards to ten minutes at a regular bathroom.  At Roosevelt University, the numbers can double, triple.

Says Jordan, "Sometimes I'll be with friends and I have to poop.  I tell them that I'll meet them somewhere, but they don't understand and they wait for me.  With the pre-pooping and with the actual pooping, doubled at Roosevelt, and then the minutes you have to add in to accommodate if you eat at say, a Chipotle, and then the five minutes you have to add in for the shame, we're talking upwards to half an hour.  By the time I get out, my friends don't say anything about it.  But we all know what I was doing."

Shame

After watching Jordan struggle and break down into tears, we must ask ourselves what we are doing to help the tall people that have to poop at Roosevelt University.  Pooping is terrible, we all know this.  But we must also know now, with this investigative report, that pooping is that much worse for tall people.

So, the next tall person you see, I want you to look at them.  Imagine what they have to go through when they have to poop.  Imagine Jordan crying when he is pre-pooping and the shame he experiences after he has pooped.  Then, put your hand on that tall person's shoulder and say, "I'm sorry." They will know what you're talking about.  It's the least you can do.

...Until next time...Have a Great Chicago.

Special Report: How Come Girls In Chicago Won't Go Out With Me?

One of my New Years Resolutions was to date again.  Easy, right?  Not only do I have an attractive face, build, and personality, and not only am I the founder of the Investigative Blog, but I will do absolutely everything and anything for the gal I'm with - change professions, my personality, and even my friends!  And still I am single!

How Can You Keep Saying No To This Face?!

I do everything right with these Chicago Girls!

I smile at random Chicago Girls on the subway!

I friend Chicago Girls I've never met on Facebook, then comment on their photos (Example: Nice bikini pic!  Go to the beach with me in that bikini!  I love you)!  Girls love that shit!

I talk to Chicago Girls at bars.  I say, "Can I buy you a drink?"

They say, "Sure."

I buy them a drink.  Then I say, "Will you be my girlfriend?"  And they always say no!

I even ignore really pretty Chicago Girls, pretend that they're mud below my feet, to play hard to get!  And I never get them!

Something is definitely wrong with these Chicago Girls.

Chicago Girls at Panera (Actual Picture)

At Panera, I asked some Chicago Girls what was wrong with them.  One of them said, "What do you mean what's wrong with us?" She acted like I was the crazy one!

I said, "How come you Chicago Girls won't go out with me?"

Another said, "We don't know you."

I said, "My name is Tim."  Then I waited thirty seconds, and said, "Will you be my girlfriend?" to all of them, hell, I'm not picky at this point.

They shook their heads, no!

After five tries with similar results, I delved deeper into the question.  I asked my friend, Tovah, who happens to be a Chicago Girl herself, why Chicago Girls won't go out with me.

My Friend, Tovah (Artist's Interpretation) 

She said, "I thought you were gay."

My other Chicago Girl friend, Heather, agreed with Tovah.  "Are you sure you're not gay?" she asked.

I told them to find me a Chicago Girlfriend.  I said, "I will do anything.  I won't disagree with anything they say or do anything to get them mad.  I'll just sit there, if they want.  Or not!  They won't even know I'm there.  I won't be there if they don't want me there.  I just want someone funny!  Or not funny, whatever.  Don't tell them I said that."

And they just looked at me!  What did I expect?  They're Chicago Girls.  And Chicago Girls are fucking nuts.

Until next time, HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!

Concerning the Vicious Rumors Surrounding the Writing Center and its’ Wonderful Peoples

As the founder of the investigative blog, I feel it is my responsibility to investigate, address, and rebuke the hideous rumors brought against the writing center as of late, namely: that the writing center tutors do not, and have never, consumed food and/or water.  I do not know where this rumor has started, but it has spread exponentially. 

Tanya Peters, a freshman biology major, says, “Now that you mention it, I’ve never seen any of them eat or drink ever.” 

                

Doug Perry, who wished to be quoted anonymously, says, “I heard that you can’t even work at the Writing Center if you have to eat or drink.  I heard it helps the tutoring process.  They scare me.  Can I be quoted anonymously?” 

Working here for three months, privately investigating my peers, I can finally state, without a doubt, that I’m seventy percent sure that the students working in the writing center eat and drink, and that they will manage to live normal and healthy lives.  The proof will be documented here, to stop all rumors to the contrary.  

Exhibit A: A for Amanda. 

Sure, she only eats bananas, but she does eat something, doesn’t she?  And its breakfast, lunch, and dinner, thank you very much, perfectly normal.  And she eats the entire thing, “to get the benefits of the other food groups, duh,” she says.

Warning: DO NOT TRY TO TAKE HER BANANA

Exhibit B: Jerica.  

Jerica cannot refuse a stick of cheese.  When asked if she even likes cheese, she said, “eh, it’s okay,” and then I gave her three sticks of cheese and SHE ATE ALL THREE STICKS OF CHEESE.  Bring one to the writing center and see what happens! 

Exhibit C: Jane Doe: We will not name this poor girl to protect her identity. 

She can only do things while eating apples.  Here we see her texting.  There are other times when she needs to eat apples so she can walk.  When asked why this is so, she said, “mma mfphha mmoott fffrrff,” probably ‘cause she was eating an apple.  Surprisingly, she is one of our best tutors.  SHE EATS, YOU LIARS. 

Exhibit D: The Variable

Every study has a variable.  THIS IS THE VARIABLE.  He drinks and eats pen ink.  DO NOT LET HIM TUTOR YOU.  HE WILL STEAL YOUR PEN AND EAT OR DRINK IT.  His favorites are Papermate, Bic, and when he feels like he deserves it, Uniball.  

I think this is a good starting point in stomping out these awful rumors.  I will continue with this story, in hopes that normalcy can once again take the place of fear.  You're welcome.  

Until next time - HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!  

Black Squirrels Can Probably Kill You, Probably

As your trusted investigative blogger, you may believe that there is no line I will not cross to get to THE TRUTH. And, I admit, this was the case for about two blogs, and then I saw this fucking thing. A BLACK FUCKING SQUIRREL.

You are lucky I got this close to it, because the eyes really were glowing and it was black and it was scary. And yet, here it was, in the park.

AND NO ONE SEEMED TO CARE.

Is this a new breed of super squirrel? Will these darker, slimmer squirrels be able to sneak into your homes and kidnap your children? Probably, I don't know. Who knows what they're capable of?

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND FIND OUT.
YOU WIN DEMON SQUIRRELS. I will not investigate you. I will not pursue THE TRUTH.

....until next time, HAVE A GREAT CHICAGO!

Local Eats: PANERA BREAD!

If you ever come by Chicago, you have to check out a little place called PANERA. It's on Congress and State street. Right by the dorm rooms. What a find!

A good barometer to tell if something is good is if teenagers like it. Since I'm living by a lot of teenagers, this has been easier for me.

Madeline Richards, 17, says, "OMG, I freaking love this place. I, like, come here all the freaking time. Love. It."

"You come to Chicago thinking that you won't find a place to eat. And then there's Panera and you eat there," said Randy Peters, of Detroit.

Finding good Chicago dining is hard because Chicago is big and when you're new, people you don't know are scary. So finding a local establishment, like Panera, really tells you what Chicago is about.

"When I come home for Thanksgiving, and my parents ask me about Chicago, all I'll have to describe to them is Panera," said Jolie Adams, as she twittered on her laptop, 'AT PANERA!"

That's the great thing about Panera, you can eat their wide variety of breads, salads, sandwiches, or even get a hot panini (which I highly recommend), all while doing homework or Facebooking a friend. They even have four selections of coffee sitting for you, which you can refill yourself, ALL DAY!

"I don't even see a reason to leave," said Saul Sanders, 18, from Portland, Oregon. "I will never leave," he repeated, twice.

Not only is the food delish, CHICAGO STYLE, and the coffee very reasonably priced (try the hazel nut, GOODNESS!), the workers bring character and pure Chicagoness to the setting. A worker there, we'll call her Jhannon, to protect her identity, said, "Hi, welcome to Panera, would you like to try the soup of the day?"

She had cute, elvish features and blonde hair, like a Chicagian. She kept asking what I wanted to eat, like for three days in a row, which makes me think she likes me. I'm just saying.

ANYWAY, I highly recommend anyone and everyone, if ever you come by Chicago, to try out Panera Bread, on Congress and State Streets. And if you see John Panera, or whatever the hell the owner's name is, tell him Tim sent you! Until next time, Have a Great Chicago!